On any given day (except Wednesdays and Sundays), I can usually be found at FaBoom Dance wildly shaking my thang to a Pitbull song. I gather with a group of incredible, very encouraging and supportive women who share a common goal...to get fit while having fun. I can not recall any of them ever using the word "exercise". We dance separately, facing the mirror, all together. Zumba is great. You can't help but to feel good.
During class recently, I noticed the drifts of my mind. Thoughts, like a piece of wood near the shore which somehow refuse to be swept away by the current, remain. I say to myself "Concentrate, girl! Stay present in this moment". But, still I wrestle with my self, knowing full well that it is because of this MOMENT, this one hour of facing myself in the mirror that causes the nagging thoughts to penetrate even the bass of the music. "Just stop already," I want to yell. But instead I keep my intense gaze aka my game face never letting on to my mind's wanderings until now....
I have always been amazed at how the brain works. And I have often pondered why certain seemingly unrelated items pop into your head at the most inopportune times. It occurred to me while driving to work one morning, that I have spent the majority of my life hating my own body. I have questioned God, the wind, my ancestors, the mirror, a bag of carrot chips, my thighs as to why I have always and I do mean always struggled with weight. Unlike many women, I did not inhabit a skinny girls body during my teenage years and suddenly balloon post pregnancy. You know the balloon that refuses to pop even though your son is now a sophomore in High School and driving a vehicle? Yeah not my story. It's just always been
I have never not thought about my weight or how to lose it. I don't care about grammar right now. Sometimes rules keep you from discovering your destination, jus' sayin'.
I got to a point in my late twenties when I consciously decided that I will move and have my being, inspite of the extra pounds. I knew in my heart that I wanted to experience the world and I was determined not to allow weight to stop me. You see, I have always been dedicated to my emotional and spiritual fitness! I fight HARD to create and maintain a healthy life outlook. In my constant seeking of wisdom, I came across "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson. I read a few chapters and then closed it because it opened up places I was not ready to face. So yet another book on the shelf that I self righteously decided to dismiss.
That was until recently, when the realization that I have spent most of my life in a state of self-loathing crept into my head. I regularly practice simultaneously congratulating the development of my inner self while despising the outer. Um, that's healthy...NOT!
As quickly as the ugly thoughts came, I remembered the first chapter of the book. The author suggested that I must love all parts of me in order to heal any part. Who has ever heard of this applied to weight? Surely, this can't be right? We are taught to hate fat. We equate fat with ugliness, laziness and unworthiness. Don't we? Who in their right mind would embrace that, love it no less? My mind can't comprehend this. If I love my physical self as it is, won't I become comfortable and maybe just maybe choose to let it stay...as is? God and all of the Heavenly Host forbid! Actually, quite the contrary.
My body as it is or was has served me well for the past forty years. I began to understand and appreciate that this body has taken me places. It has loved and been loved. It has supported my movements, strengthened and energized me. And even when I abused it with little sleep, too much sugar, salt, fat or not enough exercise, it simply sent out gentle reminders to get focused girl. So I began to embrace the woman (all off her) that I am today. I am grateful now for the experiences I have had in this body. I now know that in order to become a truly healthy individual, I must reconcile all of the intricate parts of me. I believe that real change, even physical change, must begin on a spiritual level. Self-love, the hope of a bright future and the desire to explore the world motivate me to let go of what no longer serves me. I began by committing to exercising um I mean dancing regularly. It no longer serves me to carry the extra pounds. I am slowly but surely moving towards my real weight.
I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the beauty and power of my own body as it was, as it is and as it will become.
Over the years, MY BODY has allowed me to...
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| Kindergarten - Le Lycee Francais |
Establish a life long love of learning.
Conceive, Carry and give birth to my son. Who is now 16 years old.
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| Dallas in Kindergarten |
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| My niece Alana Marie |
Walk mountain tops in Africa.
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| View from Table Mountain (Capetown, South Africa) I am grateful. I am making a conscious effort to stop the negative self-talk and replace it with words of encouragement. I am reminding myself of what I have accomplished thus far in this body. And I am motivating myself with thoughts about all of the fun I will create in my new body. I am focused on health...healthy mind, healthy soul and a healthy body. No more lopsided living. Slow and steady wins the race. Life is so much lighter when you understand the power of loving your whole self. Jodi "So I like what I see when I'm looking at me when I'm walking past the mirror" Mary J Blige |
